I was thinking tonight, why are we so desperate for anything. Tonight I was Christmas shopping. I saw a man standing outside asking for money for a mission. He smiled and said "Merry Christmas" as I gave him money with some sort of almost sad and thankful look, like I was the only person who gave anything that night. I saw a man in a much more hidden outside face walking around back and forth to his friends. His pants looked like pajamas, his hair looked bushy but his face seemed covered with his own expressions. Then there's me, I know I fail so much. I wonder how God loves wretches like us, wretches like me. My lips are dry tonight, my throat is a mirror of the same. My heart is needy. I feel like I fall so much, I'm so desperate for touch, for anyone to say, you're doing good, you're heart is in the right place, but even if I get that, I feel like I know the truth about me. It's just me who thinks this? We are so needy, so wanting, so desperate like children. God knows we need him, he knows were children, or even sheep. We fall in a pit with our legs broken but he comes down to help us out. I know he does because the only time I've ever felt a hint of satisfaction in anything I do is when I'm so hurt and tired and down and gave him my pain. I love the verse, "cast your cares on him because he loves you." I've never known that verse to be more true in my life then these times. He loves us. Give him your cares, any little pain and in that place there's that joy that David talked about. I don't know if you remember the story. It's right after he seduced Bathsheba. David called out to God with all the passion left in him, "restore in me the joy of my salvation." There's a joy. If there isn't a joy, you're not accepting the whole gift he gave for you. Lord, I love you, restore in me the joy of my salvation. I need you, desperately, I love you. Without you I'm lost, I'm just living in the pit. You're my real love, my real joy, my real satisfaction. The manna in the desert, by your word is my life, help me Jesus, I love you.
2 comments:
You sound like a very caring person and I am going to be praying for you that you come to see yourself in the best light possible and also that you get some caring, kind touches from people.
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